I have sat at my computer staring at the screen many times within the past couple weeks contemplating what to write.
However, I've come to the conclusion that there is no space large enough, not enough time
& never enough words to express everything I could say about Nae.
She once pinned a quote on her Pinterest that said,
•I am the one who has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live the life I want to
•
& that was exactly what she did.
She was the living definition of a free spirit.
& truly held her own.
People dream about the lifestyle she lived.
She wanted to experience living in another country, so she packed up & off she went.
•She didn't think, she did
•
She didn't spend time over analyzing & worrying.
She lived every moment of her life.
She was the most caring & generous person I have ever known.
& could put a smile on anyones face just with her presence.
She always, always, always, put others before herself, even in her worst days.
& anyone could see that she cared so deeply for the ones she loved.
{She taught me that life is about living}
Don't wait around for things to happen. Go out & make them happen for yourself. Be free. Make mistakes. Travel the world, see new things, meet new people. Fall in love. Be confident in yourself.
But most of all, be happy as often as you can.
•Life is too short not to be•
My heart aches from the pain of missing my beautiful aunt.
But the part that makes this just a little bit easier, is the fact that she would want me to live.
She would want me to be laughing, & smiling, instead of shedding tears
& she would do anything to change that.
I miss the crazy texts, & the stories of her adventures, her wise advice, weird panda obsession,
& crazy colored pants.
I miss the laughs & the silly moments.
She knew me better than I know myself.
& always knew exactly how to put a smile on my face.
But most of all, I miss her being there at any minute of the day
& that's the thing that hurts the most.
Before, I could never imagine my life without my aunt, my god-mother, my best friend, my Naenae.
But now I have to live it.
I know she's watching over me, protecting me, loving me from afar, supporting my choices, shaking her head when I listen to Taylor Swift, & reminding me to be my bravest & true self.
I know she would be so proud.
{She once sent me a quote that said}
•All nieces are brilliant and beautiful... and obviously take after their Aunt•
& as funny as that is,
I can only strive to be half the person that she was someday.
Death is a funny thing.
It leaves you hopeless. It leaves you paralyzed. It leaves you
broken.
The hardest part of it all is allowing yourself to grasp on to the fact that the person you love is gone.
You deny it.
You deny every. single. second. of. it.
& that tears you apart over & over again.
One second they're there & then another second they're not.
You grasp on to every single little thread, hoping that it isn't true.
But instead, you watch those little threads tear & slip away from your fingertips
one by one.
Nothing ever feels real.
It doesn't feel real when you hear the news.
When you pick out pictures & lay out your nicest black dress.
Or even when you stand up at the funeral trying to find the words to explain how truly extraordinary one human being can be.
After everything is over, you are thrown back into reality & continue your every day life.
You go through the motions, but nothing is ever the same.
& then it hits you.
•When you least expect it t
o•
When you're waiting for a text that never comes.
When you look at picture & realize that there will never be one taken like that again.
When you plan for holidays & for the first time, they're not on the list.
When the tears flow down your face like they never have before
& you comprehend the fact that they really are, in fact,
Gone.
It feels real when you pick up the phone & recognize that they're not on the other end, nor will they ever be again.
You will never hear that voice, see that face, or even be there in front of you to laugh & hug.
It feels real when you finally comprehend the fact that the person that was always there, isn't anymore.
That moment right there is when your heart shatters into a million pieces,
over & over & over again.
& just when you think you can't take it any more,
{even though it doesn't make it any easier}
you realize that they never really truly left you.
They're with you. Every day.
Small signs that you never noticed before.
Speaking to you in different ways.
Protecting you.
Watching you.
Loving you.
You realize life goes on.
You don't just wake up one morning & the pain is gone.
It's always there, but you learn to adjust.
You honor them. Cherish them.
You hold the memories close & you learn to live in a new way.
•Because a little piece of you will always be missing
•
Life is short.
It's crazy, it's wild, & it's beautiful.
& as difficult as it is, some days you just have to pull yourself up, go out & live it.
Live it for the ones that can't.
Surround yourself only with the people that make your life positive.
Look around & take a deep breath in.
When you look back, is this life you would have wanted for yourself?
{Embrace every moment, be the happiest you, love many, laugh a lot, & do everything you love}
Erase the superficial.
•LIVE
•
Enjoy every moment of your crazy, beautiful, gift that you have been given.
{Here's to the woman that changed my world}
•July 1, 1976 - December 6, 2013•
